Obviously people do not look outside of their relationship for help unless their relationship has hit difficulties. A basic tenet of this work is that these difficulties are the result of the unique way that the individuals come together, their particular unconscious ways of relating neatly dovetailing into what can best be described as an impossible bind. This impossible bind can, with the assistance of third-party facilitation, be seen as a valuable opportunity for them to become aware of the unconscious patterns they each bring to, and impose on, their intimate relationships.
The preciousness of the opportunity is that it is only in the midst of an intimate relationship that these patterns become apparent. The patterns were probably learnt as a defence against previous intimate relationships and as such were, and may still be, a valid means of the protection. It is when they are inappropriately and unconsciously applied to a quite different intimate relationship in the present that they become a hindrance.
Most couples can recognise what it was that attracted them to one another when they first met. With deeper exploration of the impossible bind, it takes on an eerie beauty, hinting at some unconscious motive operating behind their initial attraction. The unique way in which the couple's patterns neatly dovetail suggests the pair of them may well have unconsciously sought one another out in order to work through these issues. Once the individuals are aware of their particular contribution to the impossible bind and can look at their difficulties more objectively, it becomes possible to see just why it is with this particular person that they are faced with these difficulties or opportunity. In this way the impossible bind is seen as the physical manifestation of their dysfunctional ways of relating and as such is an opportunity provided by their unconscious, to move towards greater wholeness and the appropriate attitude being one of "blessng the obstacle".
The particular
form the couple's impossible bind takes, points to the unconscious (and often
contrary) attitudes the individuals are bringing to the relationship. Understanding
how they both contribute to the impossible bind helps to loosen the bind,
but by itself, will not stop the bind from reforming. What the loosening does
do, is make apparent the different ways they will both have to modify their
behaviour in order cease contributing to the formation of the bind. These
behavioural changes in effect become an ongoing practice, similar to a spiritual
or meditation practice.
Implementing the behavioural changes, even whilst recognising the need for
them, can feel like going against the grain or against one's own nature. It
is this kind of internal contradiction that brought Jung to describe psychotherapy
as an "opus contra natrum", a work against nature. However unlike
in Individual Psychotherapy, where it is the relationship between therapist
and client that is used to work with these unconscious dynamics, (technically
known as transference and counter-transference) it is the already established
relationship between the couple that is used in Relationship as Practice.
It is only by consciously taking up the required behavioural changes and feeling
the feelings of frustration these inevitably bring that the old ways of relating
are burnt off. At first these changes may feel quite alien, however they are
necessary to break up the identification with the existing way of relating,
as well as being part of taking in the "otherness" of the partner.
This "otherness" usually includes attractive qualities initially
seen in the other they wish to possess for themselves. By the time the impossible
bind has formed though, the difficulties might well be pointing out the repulsive
side of those initially attractive qualities.
Using Relationship as Practice is no magic panacea, it is hard work requiring the commitment of both individuals to the work. The difficulties in the relationship by definition are naturally difficult to face and the inclination can be to ignore or deny them, or to leave the relationship rather than face them. They will be in the last place you will want them to be, where two neuroses collide so to speak, but it is only by sitting with, and consciously facing these difficulties, that the relationship will stand any chance of developing. Whilst moving on into another relationship is always an option, the same issues, albeit in a slightly modified form, are only likely to recur elsewhere. Denial of responsibility or a lack of willingness to take up the practice by either party is more than likely going to lead to the failure of the process. One person working by themselves may make some personal progress but they would require the patience of a Saint and the love of Christ to achieve this, not bad qualities in themselves, but they say little about the quality (or the equality) of the relationship. Such self-sacrifice by one person in the relationship might well appear noble, but it runs the risk of them becoming a victim to the relationship in order to maintain it. They will probably be forced into behaviour that denies them freedom in their way of being whilst allowing the other to continue their difficult behaviour.
The benefit of using Relationship as Practice is the uprooting and dissolving of deeply ingrained unconscious ways of relating. This brings an increased consciousness and freedom into the individuals intimate relationship as well as those with family, friends and at work. Relationship as Practice's emphasis on behavioural change helps break the couple's impasse in communication by limiting the talking or psychotherapising to the therapeutic hour. The rewards of employing Relationship as Practice are quite personal which fortuitously provides a particularly selfish motivation for committing to the work, given that one might not be in touch with one's love for the other in the midst of the difficulties. The irony though is that the other person is essential for the work to be effective and as a consequence they begin to be loved because it is with them that you can do this work.
Relationship as Practice sessions initially tend to focus on identifying the impossible bind and both individual's psychodynamic contributions to this. Out of this the particular practice or behavioural changes they each will adopt, in order to loosen the impossible bind, are formulated and agreed upon. Subsequent sessions then can focus on the difficulties of implementing the practice, fine tuning it where necessary and eventually celebrating the difference this is making to their relationship. Once things have settled down the frequency of the sessions may be reduced from the initial once weekly level. Obviously there will come a time when an external facilitator is no longer needed even though the practice may continue. Subsequent meetings can always be arranged, even if it is just to report how well things are going.
Gary Tomkins BA Hons., Dip.
